Sometimes, when you ask me these things, ask so much of me,
I don’t know how to respond.
(You leave a letter for me to feel better
but all I do is feel like a failure when I read it later)
Sometimes I wonder why you want to try after all these years;
I spent my life trying to stay invisible because it was more practical
and it worked just fine no matter the pain I had to hide.
(You never cared what was wrong or how I felt before
so why start now, trying to open locked doors?)
Sometimes I wish I could just cut the ties and leave to lead my own life;
I wish I didn’t care about you sometimes because it would make it easier
to forsake this life and leave you all behind.
(But I’ve realized I can’t—and trust me, I’ve tried.)
And sometimes I hate you—or at least, I think I do.
But more often it’s that I hate myself for not being someone else,
someone with less problems ,
someone good enough for you,
someone who gives you what I think you want.
But I don’t always feel like this.
I can’t blame you for seeing the world through your own eyes
or dealing with your own issues on your journey through life.
I understand that you’ve tried.
So I want to forgive you, forgive myself, forgive everything—
just know that this will all take time.
But there is One Always—
no matter what might come our way, I pray
you know:
there is Love in you,
and there is Love in me,
and that Love makes room for grace to grow.
