I have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow, and I know for sure that my doctor is not going to be pleased. I’m type 1 diabetic, and my numbers have been terrible since January. This summer I am getting help/treatment for an eating disorder, and this appointment with my endocrinologist will give me and my parents a lot of the information that I need to know in order to start improving my health. It’s kind of like that whole saying that says you can’t fix something until you know what’s wrong and how bad.
I’ve been asking God to keep me from totally losing it–whether that’s going on a huge binge or starving myself for several days. I’m trying not to hold on to the control that eating and exercise behaviors seem to offer, but it’s hard to do–kind of like getting cold feet, or the way the body rejects a cure before it starts to heal. Church today was SUPER encouraging, reminding me that God redeems every single part of our story for His purpose, His glory. I am desperately holding on to that and relying on Him, but I’m still praying that my family and I would be patient with progress and wise about the decisions for treatment.
Being home during the summer is both exciting and difficult, when it comes to food. There’s a house full of food, and I can cook anything I want. I’ve got all the supplies for my summer baking endeavors, which I pursue about once a week. But I can also eat as much as I want. I can eat as little as I want. I can skip meals during the day and binge on sweets at night. I don’t know if I have the self control to stay at home without supervision–I don’t trust myself with eating in moderation or being honest about what I may (or may not) have eaten that day. My parents don’t come home until anywhere between six and eight thirty, and my brother will be working this summer as well. That’s a WHOLE lot of temptation.
I don’t know what my options for this summer will be. I don’t know how things will turn out tomorrow. But tomorrow is not today. Today, I can rest. I have this moment. I have fun music with my family. I have dessert waiting for me–a small portion, of course. I have writing and reading. I have exciting projects. I have dear friends. I will be okay.
Resting In Faith,