I suck at a lot of stuff, usually stuff that’s actually important. You know, like trusting people and having good self esteem and all that stuff. Maybe I’m just on a high from reflecting on the sunset and still riding an endorphin wave (endorphin….that word always makes me think of dolphins…), but I think I have a few reasons to be proud of myself today. Maybe the past 36 hours. Yesterday was mostly hell and I hated it. Tomorrow might bring more of the same. But for right now, today, I have a few victories I would like to recount. Not cause I’m some sort of saint (you couldn’t tell?) but because I need a fucking good reminder why it’s worth it to keep going even when I’m way too close to just give up.
Recent Small Victories:
(synonymous with: Shit I’m Grateful For, Reasons Why I Don’t Hate Myself Today, and Why I Feel Like I Can Face Tomorrow)
- I wrote a 4 page paper last night.
- I edited said paper this afternoon and turned it in more than 24 hours before it was due.
- I didn’t cut today.
- I stayed awake in all of my classes, even though I didn’t really get to sleep until 1 AM and was wide awake a quarter after 5 AM
- I worked out.
- I worked out IN THE GYM (…which, as it turned out, I did at an ideal time, where I could get the bulk of my workout in while there weren’t that many people there. I wasn’t freaking out/panicking/anxious AT ALL!!!! That’s more than a small victory, especially when just walking out of my room makes me feel like I’m naked and exposed.)
- I posted on here today. (might not seem like I big deal, but I try not to neglect this too much. I actually do take this blog seriously…)
- I asked a friend for help with a problem I’ve been having lately (okay, so I wrote her a letter that will eventually end up in her campus mailbox, but I actually opened my stubborn mouth–metaphorically speaking–and am trusting someone with something that’s a fairly BIG ISSUE…..so yeah, this is a BIG DEAL!!!)
- I was assertive with an acquaintance yesterday about my no-touchie rule, and she took it well. (hopefully that will greatly reduce my irritability and on-edge-ness in my 8 AM M/W/F class…. Having proximity issues and being introvert when you’re forced into group work for 2 hours, 3 times a week, can turn into some pretty nasty anxiety…)
- I didn’t crash today….AT ALL…. (at least, not yet, but still… and, in case you don’t know, “crashing” for me usually means going into an emotional tail-spin. Some are worse than others, like the one I had yesterday–although I don’t think I ever got off the ground… Anyway, this just basically means I was in a good mood all day and didn’t have any anxiety, stress, them chattering in my ear, or generally feeling useless / worthless / insignificant / etc. HALLELUJAH THANK YA JESUS!!!!)
So there you have it. My list of small (and some big) victories of the past day and a half or so. Or maybe just day. By now, it’s been a full 24 hours. I think? Doesn’t matter. I’m alive. I survived. I’m feeling like I’m on top of the world and like I can do anything I want. I can take on the world. I’m probably going to spend the evening writing. Or maybe Netflix? Doesn’t matter. I can breathe, I can make it through the rest of the week. I might be singing a different song tomorrow but right here, right now? I could do cartwheels through the parking lot. (Actually I couldn’t…I’m sore…but you know what I mean….)
P.S.– I don’t actually watch Family Guy, but I just had to use the picture…. Couldn’t pass up an opportunity like that!